我的心怎么还那么痛呢？
feliciagarfield
12:10 AM
sometimes, i dunno if i brought disasters upon my myself....then sometimes i feel that i'm really burdened by a lot of things..sometimes, i feel that i'm not gd enough...
last wed evening met a friend for dinner..was sharing abt our lives then suddenly my friend asked ''have you eva thought that he's not good enough for you?....do you noethat there are many better ones out there?''...i was stunt by the comment actually...i had felt the other way round..like i'm not gd/pretty enough for him...i always felt inferior rather than superior...
sometimes i'll rather not be close to you...its always like that..its like a graph, accelerating to the peak, reach the peak and decelerate all the way...you always make me feel this way..y, ...i'll rather stay away from you..like you gave me a collection of memories then throw me hard on the ground..was it delibrate or was it accidental, or was it just because i'm a not so cherished person in your life...
this year had been real tough for me...work, family, friends, school...i do feel burdend by a number of stuffs...
then...God is really gracious..
you always appear at the right time..like its so difficult for us to meet up due to our busy schedule...you tag me when i was really down..and pop up a msn window to ask me out when i'm upset..thanks for wanting to come all the way down to somewhere near my place..from the west...
me: you always appear at the correct time in my life...
M: God just makes me think of you...
me: thanks for the tagging me on the day that i felt really down, when i din even write or mention anything in blogs/fb...
M:that day i thought of you ma..God impressess...
m: ..your friend is the _____ ah?
me: wa, you got good memory lei...
m: of course, people like you who matters to me..
thank you, thanks for appearing at this pointin my life, when i'm too drained to strike a conversation with any1, you were just right there...thanks=)
guess this is the time that God is putting all these in front of me to mould me into a better person..i once made a prayer to God that i'm really lousy at handling disappointments, guess He answered my prayer by putting me into these situations to help me handle all these and deal with disappointments correctly...
if i want to forget you, i really should stop asking and talking abt you...=)
feliciagarfield
11:02 PM
hi my dear fren, you're like gone forever..have you migrated to MARS? or i guess VENUS suits you more..but i'm cool with it actually...if you think you can stay there and be happy forever..go ahead...
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well..tonns of updates since its like almost a mth since i last blogged...well...life's pretty busy...just when you thought you had completed all the scl assignments, one big bombastic one is dished straight up to your face..lol..then work...more work more work and more work...so i'm seriously surprised when one of my gd fren said: "your work stress one meh? like not stress one what..your assignments seems quite easy." ...because i treat you as a gd fren and it was a beautiful morning, i din want to spoil the whole day by blasting at you and trying to explain everything to you..cos i figured out that it was pointless..your course of study is just different from mine...
BUT...what i want to say is, I/We do not care what are the stuffs that you guys out there are studying...whether you drill into the the cell and research on the smallest what eva or you fly to mars and look at how the earth is like and how chim it gets..you don't Say that those ppl taking ECH/teaching in preschool/teaching children with special needs, is close to stress free...because it is not at all close to stress free...you try saying that to us..you betta watch it..I/We'll dig your eye and poke your throat....i'm serious..hiak hiak hiak... hahaha
WE'RE TRAINED AND YES, VERY TRAINED..A DOUBLE DIP IN 3 YRS YOU THINK ITS EASY...WHEN YOU WERE SUCKING THUMB IN JC/TAKING 4 MODS PER SEM IN POLY, WE WERE THERE STRUGGLING WITH OUR 9 MODS PER SEM..WHY ISIT THAT WE COULD EMPHATISE WITH YOU HOW DIFFICULT IT WAS TO STRUGGLE THRU WHAT EVA THAT YOU ARE DOING...HOW DARE YOU SAY OUR COURSE IS EASY..and you think after our dip we can get a job and shake leg? you try saying that again then you'll see the D girls power..hiak hiak...
IGNORANT FELLA LIKE YOU IS 5CENTS WORTH...
actually, i'm not really fiery angry..i just dun really understand how can some ppl be so blunt and just spout what ever they think that it is when they don't even know what's goin on...
KNOWING HOW TO RELIEVE STRESS DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE'RE STRESS FREE..or perhaps you're just secretly jealous abt out regular Ds meetup heh...
ok..anyway...i realise i din have time to really rest for the past few weeks..even on sats, there's work..
oktoberfest was laugh, eat and drink...
recovering from gastritis...feeling so 'sour' now...
just when i thought i'm almost over you, everyone starts to talk abt you to me again...aiyo...soon soon!!
feliciagarfield
11:06 PM
i had been procrastinating my work and assignments..this is bad..so when i finally sat down and start typing. my mind's kinda blocked..hmm, gotta really concentrate..
this whole wkend was really cool...there were a lot of distractions to help me forget some things. fri was kbox with colleagues....sang a no. of songs...chinese, english, some sang hokkien, some cantonese, duets=)
sat was a rest day for me...cos i really needed it...get enough of slp so i won't fall sick..then com meeting in the evening. had a chat with bestie after that..thanks
sun...jazz nite. I met a seriously sexy guy yesterday night. not physically sexy. Its the passion that he has for his musical instrument that made him really sexy..was reading his biodata this afternoon..songwriter, singer, composer, and he really plays alot alot of musical instruments..
huang was saying ''the kind of man that you want right''
the exchange of emails was really nice=) i'm contented tho it was only a few short ones. he told me to send him an email if i drop by ___ . wonder when will i eva drop by..haha..=)
thanks huang for the intro!!!more jazz pls!!
i really feel like leaving the place that i thought i feel most comfortable...its like all the sad stuffs happen over and over again..like i need to initiate everything that i need or i need to feel like someone that is not needed or left out...i dun have to and dun deserve to feel that way you know. i'm not like 'o, there's an extra space, you wana come?' , 'if you want to come then come?' or i may not even be informed abt it till the v v last min ..or i just face a lot of disappointments there...actually i was really really upset initially, but, now, i kinda grew numb to it already..it'll just be like sigh, its just another one.. till the day when i really made up my mind that i should go i will...whats the point of staying at a place that brings so much pain?..even if that's the place that i had been there for so long and almost to be called somewhere that i had grew up in...am i such an extra to you all after so many years of trying to help and doing things for you all?...
feliciagarfield
7:19 PM
hmm, 2 assignments gonna due soon..hmm, arghh..hope i'll be able to finish...then..tonns of paperwork and a big project coming up..really gotta pray that God will be able to deliver me through all these things..hmm...
o, monday morning when i was at office talking to 2 of my colleagues, then aaron came over ''happy birthday''..haha..thank you =) actually i like honey..thank you..
then this morning, while i was teaching, aaron came with this tomato...haha..''you want? tomato on vine''..haha..thank you..its really cute looking..yup..and i tink its sweeter than the normal ones..the skin is softer too..=)
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hey, you noe this period of time is gonna be difficult, or maybe i can drown myself in work so i can just forget ''you'' gradually...was talking to prisc on sunday on my way home from dinner/games at bukit timah..we neva had such talk b4, but i really appreaciate how someone can feel and think how i tink...thanks for the opinions...
thanks for the talk with grace on tue night after class while going home..as i recall, i really really feel so remorseful and sad abt that very incident that happened few yrs back..guess it was the first time i cried so hard so hard in front of cucalamonga..it was suppose to be talk and watch the s'pore river thingy..then the incident that i told them was so funny the whole day till when i realise it was such a big mistake,..remember how i kept saying that i felt like a s____...sigh..
i had stopped watching the 9pm ch8 show, 1) the plot's really gd, but sometimes its too scheming ..prefer the happier 2) the show reminds me of 'you'..arghh...
today is the 5th day ...since the day that i had decided to give up...
feliciagarfield
10:31 PM
hi all, thanks for the b'day wishes..really thank you for those sweet little messages..and well, of course i'm kinda disappointed that some very close friends of mine just din bother to do anything...like, you all kinda grow up with me, but this is what you all do on my b'day..well, but i guess i shouldn't feel so sad abt the msgs that i din received..i should be very happy and thankful for those that i had received!!=) thanks ppl...
guess this year hasn't been a really great yr with all the works and stuffs that i had to do..so the birthday wishes and msgs became very important to me...i just felt that i really needed those concerns and blessings from you guys..thank you x100 =)
ok..so my b'day started off and ended off nicely..yup...
from b'day songs to bracelet to red wine to steamboat to suppose to be harry's but i decided not to spend on alcohol so we went for spinelli to chats to saying gdbye..it was all really good..thanks colleagues and Ds=) ...till the clock struck 12, when my b'day ended prettily..
thank you for the bracelet=)
Ds..here's only some of the pics..sorry, a lil tired to load it up..=)
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there's this irony that i face ..the person that i love is also the person that i hate...thanks for not sending any b'day msgs/wishes so that gave me one more reason to forget abt you. that i should not be holding on...you dun deserve this feelings from me...its gonna end..i just need some time..yup..time...so that i dun have to remind myself to stay happy and not think abt you. even on my b'day, i left some space in my heart for you. but i know, what a waste...i just need more time, more time and all these would be over...i can't wait for it to be over...
=)ok huang's b'day is coming..hmm, gonna party huang? since the next day is holi..haha...
did it our of boredom during a course 2days back... using my Lao Gao(LG) phone...the photo edit features are wonderful..to me...
my baby love...love you baby=)
i should really stop shopping and start saving...hmm..
feliciagarfield
12:25 AM
i want to use the shortest time to forget you so that i don't feel so helplessly hopeless or hopelessly helpless...so that i can enjoy my time better...if i could forget who you are when i wake up tomorrow morning...that will be good..so i won't have to think of you .. and keep going through all the pains..each time i want to go away, i keep seeing you ...
okok...i can do it..i can i can...jiayou!!
o yeah...here's a lil note for those who care..haha..i really wanna get a keyboard..not the computer keyboard, i want a casio/yamaha keyboard...yup, so heehee..i want $$$ for my b'day..so that i can save up and invest in a good keyboard..actually, i also want a puma bag, a wallet, clothes, camera and alot more things..but guess i need a keyboard more..hmmm, tho i really love my piano...she's a beauty...but there's some stunts that a piano just can't do..heh=x
my bunch of lovely poly cliques!! awww the Ds=) i really love you all know...its like i'd been losing many friends due to what eva changes they have in their lives..but i'm really thankful that i always have you all with me...
i kena a new project at work today=x...hope everything will be well...hmmm...stress level up again..but i can do it=)
hmm, really lazy to load pics...
having a flu again..
updates soon...
baby love=)
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feliciagarfield
11:08 PM
